Motherhood changed the way I think about building friendships.
Before I had my preschooler, I built friendships at work, over long dinners, through leisurely phone conversations, or long weekends away with friends. Research about friendships points to three pillars as critical: time, energy, and proximity. In my 20s and 30s, I counted on women, some mothers and others not, who generally matched me in these three areas. However, the same research indicates when one of the pillars shifts, the relationship changes.
In the mothering stage, there’s a short supply of time and energy – and while we’re constantly with our kids, time with other adults disappears. It’s no wonder motherhood impacts friendships! All three pillars are shifting simultaneously. Around the same time I became a mom, I started to work fully remote. I’d also recently moved to Rochester. The friendship pillars I had relied on became shaky in a time I needed support the most, and not all of my friendships survived the shift. I knew I needed to rethink how to build friendship.
In the season of motherhood, I felt more isolated than I ever expected. But with the time, energy, and proximity I actually have, I’ve leaned into old and new friendships to find support I deserve.
Time
My two closest friends have lived far away for most of our friendship so we’ve almost always relied on phone calls and visits to maintain our closeness. When I became a mom, I couldn’t maintain long distance friendships the way I used to. I swapped my commute calls for walks with the baby and started using voice memos to communicate more than texting. Finding time for these two friendships remains a priority. However, as moms themselves, they know not to take it personally when days go by without hearing from me. In fact, it’s then that they’re more likely to check in on me. Maintaining friendship requires time and intentionality on both sides.
Energy
With limited energy, I really have to think about where I want to spend it. That means prioritizing several things I love and fostering relationships around them. For me, this is service, books, and yoga. I’ve built relationships with like-minded women making a difference through FlourishRoc. An older woman in my neighborhood invited me to join a book club that’s been active for over 40 years! The intergenerational meetings truly are the highlight of my month. I attended a free outdoor yoga class at the library when I first moved to Rochester and ended up making a dear friend in the instructor. The connections I made in my online role surprised me too — including a trio that became a years-long text chain called “Wordle Women,” which now rarely mentions Wordle. There’s a Mumford & Sons lyric that has always stayed with me — the idea that where you invest your love, you invest your life. In this season, I’m choosing to believe that.
Proximity
One of my closest friends is someone I never would have met if we didn’t live on the same street. Our careers differ, there’s an age gap, and on the surface, we don’t have common interests. Yet, living on the same street while having our first babies at the same time bonded us. Celebrating our daughters’ first birthdays and raising a glass of champagne to toast our first year of parenthood is something we will always have. Our friendship has developed from quick front yard hangouts to deeper conversations that have grown well beyond our front yards and our role as moms. Proximity and shared milestones allowed this friendship to blossom into something I will always treasure.
One of the longest studies done by Harvard University proved that friendships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives. Even as friendships change in motherhood or grow from unlikely places, prioritizing their development will carry us through the harder moments. Saying yes to a coffee invite, lingering at pickup to chat with another mom, or introducing yourself to a neighbor — these are small acts that add up. They are an investment in yourself.
