The other day, when my son lost a round of Super Smash Bros., he threw down the controller and stomped off angrily. As I coached him through his feelings, I couldn’t help but remember him as a frustrated toddler, kicking and screaming as I carried him out of the playground.
My son has always had big feelings. The screaming toddler is now my brilliant, funny, kind (and still emotional) 10-year-old. But instead of tantrumming when it’s time to leave, he now gets very, very upset when he loses a game.
As he’s grown, he’s built a mental toolbox of strategies to help him get through these hard moments. His big feelings are so much more manageable now, and the work he has done is something to be proud of. But losing is still very hard for him. When he loses, it quickly leads to anger.
And although it’s his struggle, it’s really difficult for me, too.
So many times I’ve found myself asking him, “What if your friends won’t want to play with you because you’re a sore loser?”, “You’re TEN… how are you STILL doing this?!” or “It’s just a GAME!”
It hurts to see him lose control, and my concern is genuine. But I wish I could respond with more grace and more patience. My big reactions to his big feelings are not helpful for either of us.
I also have a hunch that he’s probably not the only kid . . . or parent . . . dealing with this. And I can’t help but think, instead of seeing a struggle with losing as something that needs a magic fix, maybe we can learn from it instead.
Perspective Shifts in Parenting a Sore Loser
1. Opportunity to Model Emotional Regulation
Teaching our children how to manage their feelings is a regular part of raising toddlers – but it doesn’t have to stop when they’re older. When something feels unfair (let’s say your husband gets the flu and your family vacation is canceled), we can recognize and validate our disappointment out loud. “THIS. REALLY. STINKS.”
Then, share that we need to take some space, do some deep breathing, or maybe even cry a little (especially if you’re the one who did all the planning and packing). It shows our kids that anger is OKAY, but being able to handle frustration and communicate calmly is a strength. In difficult moments, we can remind our kids of how even we need strategies to work through our feelings.
2. Big Feelings Are Not a Weakness
Having a child who’s a sore loser can feel embarrassing. Why haven’t they outgrown this? Why haven’t we solved this issue yet? It might even seem like every other parent has helped their child master this skill by now. But the deep disappointment our children experience also means they are passionate people who feel strongly about fairness.
Maybe in the future they will be fighting for justice, looking out for the underdog, or making sure people are treated fairly. Deeply feeling people are valuable and needed.
3. True Friends Accept Our Kids
We might worry that their friends won’t want to stick around if our kids can’t deal with losing. But if they don’t, then they aren’t true friends. That doesn’t mean they have to love it – and hopefully some of them will even tell our kids to knock it off (or better yet, give reminders about calming strategies.) Those who really care won’t end a friendship just because of poor sportsmanship.
4. Children Are More Than Their Emotions
Our kids are working on how to handle defeat. But there’s also a plethora of gifts and talents that make our children amazing. My son is an avid Buffalo Bills fan (something that comes with its own share of heartbreak and frustration), a master LEGO creator, and an exceptional writer. He has a brown belt in Karate, and he is the world’s best big brother. Being a sore loser does not define him.
It’s helpful to remember that it wasn’t all that long ago that I was carrying my son, kicking and screaming. I can celebrate the progress he’s made – whether it’s walking away calmly after losing Monopoly or handling a Bills loss better than any of the adults around him. He’s on a journey to becoming an emotionally resilient person. And what a privilege it is to be walking alongside him as he figures it out.
