A new adoption is full of layers of emotions and needs. Having a baby brings exhaustion, pain, and often hard feelings mixed in with the joy of a new family member. Adoption is similar, but the needs of the child, parents, and family as a whole can differ in many ways.
Below are ways that my husband and I were greatly supported after adopting each of our boys. It was such a blur of a time in our growing family. However, I distinctly remember this tangible and emotional help from our family and friends. Each type of support went a long way for us as we settled in together.
Keep in mind to always yield to the parents’ discretion and the family’s specific needs on the ideas described below.
Adoption Shower or Gifts
In adoption, sometimes the new parents have advanced notice before bringing their new child home. If there is time, it’s an amazing gift if their community throws an adoption shower of some sort. Ask the family what they need for their child; it may be different than a typical baby shower, depending on the age and history of the child. If the child’s clothing size is unknown, gift cards for the parents to shop upon the child’s arrival are perfect. Children’s books and age-appropriate toys to fill their new toy box are great alternatives for an adoption shower!
Depending on the adoption route, there may not be enough advanced notice to throw a shower before the child enters the family. Sometimes a celebratory event may not even be appropriate. Having a group of people ready to pool their resources for immediate needs can provide major relief on an eventful day.
After the family is settled for a bit, consider asking if they would be open to having a shower hosted on their behalf. It could be a great way to surround the new family, especially if they adopted an infant. In the case of older child adoption, it could be overwhelming or mentally/emotionally confusing for a child to be given gifts from a room full of strangers. Simple financial gifts to the family or hosting a shower without the new child present could be best.
Meals, Groceries, and Acts of Service
Just as a meal train for a family who had a baby is a lifesaver, the same is true for adoption. If their new child is older, ask the family about the child’s preferred foods or culturally significant meals to give an extra layer of comfort. Think about dropping off breakfast items, snacks, disposable dinnerware, or even toiletries. Easy meals they can pop in the oven on another day are also wonderful.
Sometimes a close friend or relative coming in to help with laundry, dishes, cooking, or cleaning is very appreciated. However, these may not be the best acts of service for a family with a newly adopted older child. Consider, instead, mowing their lawn, picking up their grocery order, or grabbing their laundry to wash at your own house.
Respect Boundaries
Adoption is born out of loss. In this life transition, the child may have lost foster family, biological family, school community, culture, or even their primary language to name a few. In this loss, of course, comes a whole lot that the child is gaining in their new family and community. But imagine how their world has changed, and the stress it can bring.
Families are encouraged to “cocoon” in the early days. Keeping their new child’s world a bit smaller for a time can help them bond as a family unit. Extra people around may be confusing while the child learns their new “normal” and how each person fits into their life. Especially if the child is toddler to elementary age, the family needs time to establish the new parental relationship. So just be prepared that the family may not be open to visitors in these beginning days.
As a family’s support system, you can help by asking about and respecting boundaries they need to set. Remember these are for the sake of their child and family as a whole in this time. They may not want anyone giving the child gifts directly or holding their child. If the child reaches out to you for affection, the parents may prefer you redirect their child to them. It’s suggested that the new parents are always the ones to provide for the child’s needs in those early days. This helps to establish trust and grow attachment.
<< See Related Article: Cocooning After Adoption >>
Support the Siblings
If there are other children in the family, sometimes everyone just needs a break. Adjusting to the addition of a new child in the family can be hard on the siblings. They may be learning to share their parents and toys for the first time. Or maybe everyone is struggling with sleep in the midst of this change. As parents bond and provide for their new child, it may put a strain on the other kiddos. If the newly adopted child is older, that can add another layer of emotions and struggle for the siblings. They are mere children having to work through a massive blending of lives and personalities.
The siblings of the new child could benefit from a special getaway from the house. A great way to support a family is to offer to take the other children out for a while. It could be to a park, a picnic, or simply over to your house to play. If you already have a high level of trust established with the family, even taking their other kids for an overnight could be a nice reprieve for everyone in the family. This also would give the parents more focused one-on-one time with their newly adopted child — and that child time alone to bond with the parents.
Listen and Affirm
Most of all, if you are part of the family’s inner circle, listen. This is a very tiring, exciting, yet heartwrenching time for the family as a whole. The newly adopted child is likely grieving this life change, even if it’s in the child’s best interest. The parents may be struggling to bond with their child. The siblings may be experiencing jealousy and frustration within the excitement over their new playmate.
<< See Related Article: Our Struggle To Bond After Adoption >>
If the parent confides in you during this very sensitive time, whether it’s of their “wins” of the week or “failures” of the day, listen and affirm. If you can relate to their hard feelings, say so! It can bring a massive sigh of relief for parents who may be having some scary feelings in the fog of adjustment. It can be a lonely season without others who truly understand.
Additionally, especially if you haven’t experienced adoption firsthand, it can be more helpful at times for the family to hear you verbalize that their struggles are not the same ones you have faced in your family. Or even if you’ve experienced a similar issue, it may need to be addressed differently in their family because of their unique history. The worst this can do is encourage them to seek professional help, which isn’t ever a bad thing at all!
In the End . . .
All in all, the overarching theme of supporting a family made through adoption is to follow the parents’ lead. Likely, the parents have gone through extensive education to greater understand the needs their new child may present. The child’s history always needs to be considered in the decisions made during the adjustment period and beyond. It’s important to temper any excitement you may feel for the family with a realistic view of the circumstances. What some families find helpful may not be in the best interest of the specific family you know who recently adopted.
As for my husband and me, the support and understanding we received from our family and friends through our transitions with our kiddos were overwhelmingly kind and thoughtful. We felt so loved and encouraged. I highly recommend you follow our community’s lead in the above suggestions for supporting the family you know!
