Many people have said to me that they are either considering adoption as a way to grow their family someday . . . or wanted to do so in the past and never got around to it. I know from experience, it is a very daunting endeavor. There are so many factors to think about and decisions to be made throughout an adoption process. Many people don’t know how or where to start. I’ve been there. I have worked through it, and you can too!
While I don’t claim to know everything there is to know about adopting a child in Rochester, I can share some perspective and insight before you begin. Whether considering adoption is a sure path for you and your family, or it is simply a spark in your mind right now, let’s talk about the heart one should have going in. Then we’ll explore questions to ask yourself to find what is right for your family and your (potential) future child.
The Heart Behind Adopting a Child
Most people would acknowledge having a soft place in their hearts for vulnerable children. Going from sympathetic feelings to a passionate heart, to real steps taken to adopt a child — there is no room for idealism. Families beginning the adoption process can often have a rose-colored picture of adoption, dreaming of the family they can create in this way and the difference they can make.
While adoption can be a beautiful blending of lives, giving children what they need in a forever family, there are many difficult burdens children often carry into adoption and beyond. Adopting families also carry baggage and assumptions, whether known ahead of time or not. This is where the blending of lives can get messy and difficult. Holding a realistic view of adoption is the first, most important step to growing together as a family.
Regardless of which route of adoption has led a child into a new family, that child has experienced tremendous loss and trauma through no fault of their own. Likely, there will be unexpected challenges to work through and hold for life as a family. Often, there is an unknown medical and familial history that the child will unwittingly bear throughout his or her life. Children adopted at any age will battle through self-image and identity as they grow — just like everyone else — except that battle will have more complexity than others who don’t have this layer of trauma and loss in their history. Milestones throughout life may carry unanticipated grief and confusion, both within the child and the family.
Adoption should be viewed to the benefit of the child, above all else. Adoption professionals work for the children, not the prospective families. It is about providing families for children in need; it is not about finding children for families who want them.
These are all reasons why an adopting family needs to make an honest personal assessment of reasons, expectations, capability, and willingness to support a child through any twist and turn he or she faces in life. The heart of adoption is forever. Knowing personal limits is imperative, whether it be financial, emotional, medical, or related to childcare and family support.
Here are some questions to ask yourself before pursuing adoption. These are a great start to help you better assess the impact you can make in a child’s life and heart! Or, perhaps, these will help you recognize other supportive roles you could take on behalf of vulnerable children in our community.
Questions to Ask Yourself When Considering Adoption
- What is my motivation for adopting? Is this fair to a child; does it put unfair expectations on them?
- Is my home safe for a child? What would I need to do to make it safe? Do we have physical space to add a child to our home?
- How do I see an adoption impacting me, my marriage, and my family?
- How will my support circle (extended family, friends, etc.) feel about us adopting? Will they be welcoming and helpful?
- What are some ways to lovingly weave a child’s biological family and history into our family story? Can I support and hold space for my child when they have questions and curiosity about their biological connections?
- Am I open to adding a child to our family who has a differing racial/ethnic background? Can I embrace these differences, rather than being “colorblind”? Am I open to learning about the child’s birth culture and incorporating that into the fabric of our family?
- How will I feel if my love isn’t reciprocated for some time, or if I don’t have the feeling in myself toward a child? Will I be able to get support if this struggle arises? What are ways I can take steps of love toward a child each day, regardless of feelings?
- What are some community resources and educational opportunities I can pursue to support the route of adoption I choose?
- Do I have the emotional capacity, time, and financial capability to welcome a child into our family who may need extra social-emotional and/or educational support in the near or distant future?
- Am I willing to learn from professionals and adult adoptee voices, to better support my child through life?
Taking time to answer these questions honestly will help you move forward in whatever capacity you have to support children in need. If adoption is truly on your heart, don’t ignore it! Answers to these questions may point you to one adoption route or another. But likely, deciding your route will come in time after layers of soul-searching and research. Take steps today to start exploring adoption; check out this article for ideas on how to get started. Awareness, sensitivity, and willingness are the keys to providing for children needing families; you can do it!
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