Something new was about to happen, something that had never happened before and would never happen again.
I got out of the car in the driveway of our apartment, as I had done hundreds of times before, but walking to the front door, I turned and opened the rear car door and looked at my newborn baby, sleeping in the car seat, waiting to go into our home for the first time.
I looked at my husband, wondering if this was really happening. He seemed unaware of the weight of the moment. When we had left our home a few days ago, it was just the two of us. Now, there was another person here. I felt awe and fear and shock all at once. “They really just let you leave the hospital with a baby,” I thought to myself as I tucked my feelings aside and lifted my boy out of the car. I carefully shifted him in my arms. Up until a few days ago, I had never even held a newborn baby. Now I had one of my own. I carried him through the front door, and stopped, unsure of what to do.
“Should I hold him? Should I put him down? Where should I put him down? Is he supposed to be still sleeping? Was he supposed to be eating yet? Should I wake him up?” I stood there for a moment thinking, while my husband got our bags out of the car.
I surveyed our small living room. It felt strange just looking at our home. Nothing was different but everything had completely changed all at the same time. There were items and tasks that were very important just a few days ago and now they didn’t matter. This place had been my home but it didn’t look like the home of a “mom” and that was what I was now. It felt like there should be trumpet fanfare to announce our arrival but there was just the quiet of an empty apartment and the shouting of emotions in my head.
I already felt overwhelmed and I had just walked in the door.
I had spent months getting ready for him to be here. I had all of the boxes checked off on my list. We had attended the parenting classes, installed the car seat weeks ago and had turned my husband’s office into a nursery. Why did I feel so unprepared to take care of a baby?
The sound of car doors shutting hurried my thoughts. I inched into the room and looked down at the peaceful face in my arms. He was here now, but he had been here for a long time, just on the other side of my tummy. And before that, he had lived in my heart for a long time. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. With all of the swirling emotions calling out to me, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I had to move and choose a direction to go in. I decided that even though I was feeling so many different confusing emotions, I was going to choose be happy to be home with my baby.
It wasn’t the last time that I would feel overwhelmed in those first few weeks. There were a lot of times where I was moving one day at a time, one hour at a time. I now have three kids. When people ask was it harder going from 1 to 2 or 2 to 3, I know that going from 0 to 1 was the most difficult transition for me.
There is help available.
I wish I had reached out for more help during those difficult times. Rochester Mom Collective gathers parenting resources so that moms have more tools in their tool-kit when they need them. If you have a new baby, you have challenges and if those include needing support around you, check out our Guide to Mom Support Groups In Rochester for information on organizations that are here to help. If you know someone who just had a baby, reach out to them and ask how they are doing. They need a fellow mom friend now, more than ever.
