If you anticipate a NICU stay, or experience the NICU unexpectedly, you might understandably worry about bonding with your baby. There are a lot of factors in the NICU that can make bonding difficult. Being physically separated from your baby by monitors, wires, and tubes. Sharing your baby with a team of medical professionals. Waiting to hold your baby.
When my baby was in the NICU, bonding was one of my initial concerns. And it certainly had its challenges. Thankfully, I learned that while the NICU bonding journey might look different, it can be just as meaningful – and wonderful in many unexpected ways.
Below are some ideas for what bonding in the NICU can look like.
1. Celebrate the milestones – big and small.
Many NICU milestones are obvious: the first time you hold your baby, a successful surgery or procedure, discharge day. But there are many “smaller” milestones that are just as exciting. These might be things you could take for granted if not for the NICU. For example, the first time your baby opens their eyes after they wean from a sedative, or the first time you change a diaper instead of a nurse, or the first time you finally hear your baby cry. No milestone is too small to celebrate, and taking pause to acknowledge them can help create moments of joy with your baby.
What can “celebrating” look like? There are lots of easy and creative ways to acknowledge milestones. Talk to your baby and tell them what they accomplished that day, and how proud you are of them. Document milestones in a journal. Make or purchase NICU milestone cards. If your hospital participates in Beads of Courage, it is a wonderful way to track milestones.
2. Take lots of pictures and videos.
Depending on hospital policy and your baby’s condition, you might be able to have a professional photographer take newborn photos in the NICU. Professional or not, take all the photos! Take photos of their tiny hands and tiny feet, even if they are covered in wires. Take photos of their sweet face. Document when family or siblings come to visit. Document your daily NICU routines. These are your first moments with your newborn, and even though these moments might look different than you envisioned, they are still precious. Having photos to look at when you can’t physically be in the NICU can help you feel a little bit closer to your baby as well.
3. Be an active member of your baby’s care team.
This was advice I heard a lot from NICU veterans, but it took me a couple weeks to fully understand what it meant. In the NICU, you likely have a primary nurse, or a small group of nurses that care for your baby. They will get to know your baby well – but you know your baby best. Learn as much as you can about your baby’s condition. Join daily rounds with your baby’s medical team. Ask all of your questions. Observe your baby and how they respond. Whether you feel it or not, your parental instincts are there. Even if bonding feels different or slower than you imagined, be confident that you know your baby well. Based on your observations, you might catch things the medical team misses, or be able to help brainstorm solutions with your baby’s care team to guide their feeding plan, therapies, etc.
As your baby gets stronger, take on as much of their care as you are able, including diaper changes, feedings, and baths – these are great moments to bond and make memories together.
4. Create small routines with your baby.
A day in the NICU is scheduled around baby’s care routines – rounds, feeds, meds, therapies, procedures, and more. If you can, find opportunities to add family routines, too. For example, my husband and I would arrive at the NICU by 7:30am everyday so we could be there for my son’s first feed and I could eat my breakfast in his room – our first family breakfasts together! We would also do his bedtime routine each night, including feeding, bathing, swaddling, and reading a book before bed. Creating a couple of routines doesn’t have to be elaborate – it could be as simple as reading the same book, or singing the same song to your baby every day. Whatever it looks like for you, having some routines of your own can help create moments of peace and normalcy together as a family.
5. Talk to your baby.
Your baby recognizes your voice, and hearing you talk will bring them comfort. Bring in baby books to read. Sing them songs. Tell them about the family and friends they have waiting for them at home. Describe all the things you are excited to experience together once discharged. Tell them what you love about them.
6. Prioritize physical touch.
The research is well-established that skin-to-skin, or “kangaroo care,” has significant benefits for NICU babies. These benefits include health improvements for baby, but also better breastfeeding rates, and parent-infant bonding. When your baby is stable enough to be held, ask your nurse for assistance with kangaroo care.
This list is by no means comprehensive. See more bonding ideas here. You can always ask your care team for suggestions, too. NICU nurses usually have great ideas, and your hospital’s Child Life team might have ideas or small activities you can do with your baby, too.
Rest assured that if bonding does not come naturally, if it feels different than you anticipated, or if it looks different than it did with your other children – that is perfectly normal and ok, and it will come. In my experience, now that my family is well on the other side of our NICU journey, many of the small moments my son and I shared in the NICU are now treasured memories that I can’t wait to tell him about one day as part of his amazing story. Despite all the challenges, may your family find moments of peace, love, and joy on the NICU journey, too.
